Dani Alves has confirmed what we’ve suspected all along – yes, Pep Guardiola does possess hypnotic skills. We would say “We told you so!”, but we’re too classy for that, so there you are. Alves is reported to have said “If Pep told me to throw myself off the third tier of Camp Nou, I’d think, ‘there must be something good down there.'” It’s a good thing Pep always thinks before he speaks then, quite unlike our very own Pique, who likes to tweet first and think later. Apparently staring continuously at David Villa’s shoes for a short duration of time while listening to Pep talk does the trick. But it does make us wonder – why doesn’t Pep just tell Alves to sign the darned contract then? Or tell Villa to “lose the boots and hire a fashion consultant”, or tell Messi to “cut your hair, dammit, or at least make it look less like seaweed!” We did unearth a recent note Pep wrote to Bojan though, and we can claim worldwide exclusive on this. Bojan, as you all know, has to attain a zen like calm before he can start to perform well.
Please remain calm. What’s the worst that can happen? You can play like you did against Levante? The earth didn’t open up and swallow you now, did it? And don’t worry, I’ve convinced Gerard not to do an expose on your swimming trunks collection on twitter. By the way, if you do play that way again, I’m grounding you for a week with no television. So there, no pressure.