It is with extreme pride that I write to you having completed the first seven months of my presidency without getting impeached (slightly helped by the fact that impeachment is apparently not part of the club’s rule book). Here’s a photograph of me looking pensive and brilliant to mark the ocassion. I have made ground-breaking progress in these few months, starting with removing Johan Cruyff as President of Honor. There can be only one President for the club at one time, and that would be me. Also, it would teach that Laporta that he can’t just make up positions after drinks on a Friday night! There’s only one person who can make up things without consulting club members, and again, that would be me.
So, shortly after insulting club legend Cruyff, I proceeded to do several things in parallel, no doubt owing to my capacity to multitask. Much like the new Intel processors. (This has nothing to do with product placement or signing a sponsorship deal with Intel, but I deviate). Yes, the several things. Here goes.
- Expose Laporta for what he is. Remember the man came to power by promising to bring David Beckham to FC Barcelona. Despite that being a close shave after our guardian angels intervened, you can never trust someone like that again.
- Save the club by finding a shirt sponsor. Qatar Foundation is a very dignified non-profit organization that participates in a lot of philanthropy, starting with donating millions of dollars to football clubs for no apparent reason. In return, they ask for nothing except for allegiance to the ‘Tree’. There’s nothing wrong with wearing a nice green tree on your shirt after all, makes everyone think of the environment.
- Save the club again by restricting club membership. I’d close La Masia to foreign kids too, but Leo Messi sticks out like a sore thumb. So that’s out for now. It’s more important to restrict club membership, and the reason is not just xenophobia. Members have voting rights, and this can lead to dubious decisions. Yes, more so than voting me to power. We would want to prevent occurrences like that in the future.
- We are right now exploring options to possibly open up membership to a few foreigners who demonstrate commitment. This involves paying an insane amount of money over three years with no apparent benefits, traveling to Barcelona to apply in person and random applicants may be chosen to demonstrate their commitment by walking on fire and jumping off cliffs. If they survive, then after three years they might be included in a raffle to become a member. Good luck.
Thank you all for your continued support. Visca Barca.