Of Barca’s Marauding Midfielders And Loony Defenders

Posted: February 8, 2011 in Random Observations
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Heinz: No, you're not allowed to get any closer to Leo Messi than this.

When Sergio Batista started preparation for the Argentina friendly against Portugal, little did he realize that his elite list of players would soon be reduced to a list of walking wounded. So apparently this is what happens when Mascherano is released on the unsuspecting public without a stock of yellow cards to keep him in check. The day started out with Masche tackling Nicolas Pareja effectively off the starting lineup. But before Gabi Milito (his replacement) could as much as say thank you, he had somehow suffered a knock on his nose under mysterious circumstances and needed multiple stitches. We suspect Masche was involved. He always is. And after the goalkeeper Sergio Romero twisted his ankles, Batista hurriedly organized the rest of his players to surround Leo Messi and take him back safely to the hotel without being spotted by the Masche. We are told Pep Guardiola is very grateful.

In regrettable news, we have some online confirmation that our beloved captain Carles Puyol and central defender Gerard Pique might have finally gone over the edge. Or rather, Pique has taken Puyol with him. While Puyol has spent the entire day stalking his “little and fat” (in his own words, we would never!) friend and posting pictures whenever his poor friend chanced on a snack, Pique has crossed the realms of coherence, babbling (or tweeting) on about he who wears a checkered shirt challenging Chuck Norris to a duel after replacing the Spanish prime-minister. Or something to that effect (we kid you not!). We wonder what Pep’s views are on fielding two loony central defenders, but our options are limited at the moment considering Gabi has hurt his nose too. Problems galore!

Meanwhile, FC Barcelona, yes our beloved club, is clearly asking for it by expressing ‘shock’ about Chelsea spending on Torres. “It’s not like Torres has Mino Raiola as his agent” said our director of football. Chelsea spent 50 million on Torres, while not so long ago, Barcelona spent 50 million AND traded current Champions League top scorer Samuel Eto’o to sign Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who we subsequently loaned out to AC Milan with a buy option of 24 million. Not to mention the fact that Ibra, the Taekwondo blackbelt, now lies in wait in dark alleys to take out Pep Guardiola if he ever goes wandering down one. Maybe 50 years down the line, we can all talk about club economics and reasonable transfer values without blushing vividly, but now would be a good time to pretend we don’t exist when it comes to transfer news.

Now that Pep Guardiola, master coach and in-house hypnotist, has renewed his contract for an additional year, thereby making all players and fans very relieved and immeasurably happy, he is said to be working on the few temporary glitches in his hypnotic powers that could result in Hercules or Betis fiasco for instance. Once this is out of the way, we are told reliably by an inside source that there is nothing stopping Barca from world domination. Splendid. We can all start fretting about Pep’s contract  again same time next year. Visca Barca!


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