The Never Ending Ibrahimovic Saga

Posted: February 25, 2011 in Random Observations
Tags: , , , , ,

Not the best of pals, to put it mildly.

You might all remember Zlatan Ibrahimovic, the 6 foot 4 inch Taekwondo black-belt who once played for FC Barcelona and won several accolades for best impersonation of immovable object. FC Barcelona, in its eagerness to capture a striker who is taller than Messi and Pedro stacked on top of each other, emptied its coffers and packed off poor Eto to Inter, hoping to lure the talented Swede to our already insanely talented team. Which kind of backfired. Let’s just say that Guardiola and Ibra didn’t exactly share the best of relationships. To cut a long story short, Ibra didn’t really appreciate a coach, philosopher, and trappist monk all rolled into one who benched him in favor of Bojan that too.  Pep clearly had no experience dealing with a footballer who thinks he is the center of the universe. So one small thing led to another small thing, and before we knew it, Ibra is on loan at AC Milan and spends his spare time lying in wait in the dark alleys outside Barcelona to knock Pep’s lights out if he should ever come wandering down one. Rather a tragic story, no doubt.

But Ibra is doing rather well now at AC Milan, and Pep is doing rather well at FC Barcelona, so one would expect this is all in the past. Well, apparently not. While Pep moved on from Ibra half-way through last season, Ibra likes to throw a few darts at the Pep lifesize poster in his room before punching his Pep pillow  to a pulp and retiring to bed.

“Because of how Mourinho motivated me, I could go out and kill for him” said Ibra recenty, no doubt making MouMou’s numerous enemies shift nervously in their seats, “With Guardiola it wasn’t like that”. Yes, we can imagine. A bit of an understatement really. “When you pay 70 Million for a player you have to adapt your game to him. You don’t buy him to sit and watch the birds in the trees” he says. No, you buy an ornithologist for that, and I bet they don’t cost that much. “My problem in Barcelona was one man, the philosopher” he adds, just in case you missed it the first 736 times he has already hit us over the head with it.

We attribute this whole saga to Pep’s hypnotic powers not working on anything taller than 6 feet. This is something we have to take into account before rashly making any future purchases. Hopefully Ibra might stop talking about Pep Guardiola ten or fifteen years down the line, and then we can all move on. Visca Barca.

  1. josh6 says:

    I mean… Pique (6′ 3.5″), Busquets (6’2.5″), Pinto (6’1″), and Abidal (6’1″) have obviously adopted the “Philosopher’s” teachings…
    I think it has to do more with Ibra’s “I’m a superstar, I’m as good as Messi and should be treated as such” mentality and his outrageously inflated paycheck (how we paid Inter Eto’o +40mil still astounds me. Eto’o is SO GOOD). The usual Achilles’ heels of superstar free agents. The fact that he’s still going after Pep just means that he is a PETTY superstar, emphasis on the “petty.”
    In my opinion, we need to sell him to ACM and cut his ties with the club indefinitely. Forever. Can’t get a seat in the Camp Nou ever. Can’t ever watch our games on TV. I’m so done with him.

    Side note… Afellay is 5’11.5″, VV is 6′, Puyol is 5’10”, Keita is 6′, and Milito is 5’10.5″. This club wants to minimize its number of players that are over 6′ so much that it is kind of ridiculous. Maybe even “petty.”

    • fcbfandrivel says:

      Hi Josh :), Yes I think Ibra is never going to come back, after everything that has happened since, I don’t see how he ever can as long as Pep is the coach! As for the heights, I do remember reading somewhere that we are amongst the shortest clubs in the world (if not the shortest), which I suppose is entirely coincidental. It’s kind of funny how so many of our players are at 5′ 7″ though, almost like they were manufactured based on a prototype. 😛

  2. josh6 says:

    anyway you could change the name displayed in my first comment as “josh6?”
    i’m not comfortable with my full name being posted in a blog… even with a fcb blog like this. it autofilled on my browser and i didn’t see it.
    general safety precautions..

  3. Jahnawi says:

    I made an EPL and Ibra fan read this. I warned him it was drivel but here’s his reaction: ‎”best impersonation of a immoveable object”??
    Has the author had the pleasure of witnessing a messi bicycle kick? Or pedro? I hav seen several of ibra, nd i aint even a manic fan!
    Fan drivel? Mad raving without facts more likely!
    Ibra ws d highest scorer after d first classicos…lost it 2 messi sumwhere b4 d next 1….

    What can i say? some people can’t take their jokes. I think you’re brilliant, nevertheless

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