You might all remember Zlatan Ibrahimovic, the 6 foot 4 inch Taekwondo black-belt who once played for FC Barcelona and won several accolades for best impersonation of immovable object. FC Barcelona, in its eagerness to capture a striker who is taller than Messi and Pedro stacked on top of each other, emptied its coffers and packed off poor Eto to Inter, hoping to lure the talented Swede to our already insanely talented team. Which kind of backfired. Let’s just say that Guardiola and Ibra didn’t exactly share the best of relationships. To cut a long story short, Ibra didn’t really appreciate a coach, philosopher, and trappist monk all rolled into one who benched him in favor of Bojan that too. Pep clearly had no experience dealing with a footballer who thinks he is the center of the universe. So one small thing led to another small thing, and before we knew it, Ibra is on loan at AC Milan and spends his spare time lying in wait in the dark alleys outside Barcelona to knock Pep’s lights out if he should ever come wandering down one. Rather a tragic story, no doubt.
But Ibra is doing rather well now at AC Milan, and Pep is doing rather well at FC Barcelona, so one would expect this is all in the past. Well, apparently not. While Pep moved on from Ibra half-way through last season, Ibra likes to throw a few darts at the Pep lifesize poster in his room before punching his Pep pillow to a pulp and retiring to bed.
“Because of how Mourinho motivated me, I could go out and kill for him” said Ibra recenty, no doubt making MouMou’s numerous enemies shift nervously in their seats, “With Guardiola it wasn’t like that”. Yes, we can imagine. A bit of an understatement really. “When you pay 70 Million for a player you have to adapt your game to him. You don’t buy him to sit and watch the birds in the trees” he says. No, you buy an ornithologist for that, and I bet they don’t cost that much. “My problem in Barcelona was one man, the philosopher” he adds, just in case you missed it the first 736 times he has already hit us over the head with it.
We attribute this whole saga to Pep’s hypnotic powers not working on anything taller than 6 feet. This is something we have to take into account before rashly making any future purchases. Hopefully Ibra might stop talking about Pep Guardiola ten or fifteen years down the line, and then we can all move on. Visca Barca.