The Pique Journals – Part 6

Posted: March 18, 2011 in footballmood
Tags: , , , , , ,

"Geri, don't give away too many nuggets of wisdom in your column" Pep tells me, "We don't want other teams getting better"

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Hola Amigos!! Ooooh, another week, another column! This is by far my most consistent performance! “”So, how do you do it?” asked Thiago to me  the other day with an admiring look in his eyes. It turns out that he was not talking about this column, but that’s irrelevant. As we writers can tell you, churning out five columns in five weeks requires a fair amount of intricate thinking, especially columns like mine, that are full of sensible and useful information. Er…at least from now on. Here’s the useful information for this week – Dani tells me that if you don’t use your brain for a while, it starts shrinking. Like the appendix. You did see Balotelli’s struggles with a bib right? Let that be a warning to us all. So if you don’t want a hollow cavity in the skull, you should start writing a column too. Now Puyi is contemplating a weekly column that will cover Pilates exercises and photographs of his friends eating. The more, the merrier –  I always say.

Talking of people with hollow cavities in their skull where a brain would’ve been somehow reminds me of Perez Lasa, I don’t know why. We’re not allowed to talk about referees in FC Barcelona unless we have nice and glowing things to say, and no, it’s not a RFEF thing. It’s more a Pep Guardiola thing. In Pep’s little book of rules, “Thou shalt not insult the referee” comes right after “The most dangerous team is always the next team you play” and before “Remember to drink 8 glasses of water per day and go to bed no later than 10 PM”. But poor Leo was so upset after the game. As it is, his free-kicks require a rare cosmic alignment of stars to go in, and then some what-do-you-call-it who ought not to be let loose without his eye glasses has to come around and ruin the whole thing, one can only sympathize. Villa was upset too. In fact, he decided not to move for the rest of the game as a mark of protest, until Pep subbed him out. Which explains a lot really.

I came in for a fair amount of stick myself for the Sevilla goal. Puyi was very angry. “When the guy wearing the other shirt is running towards the goal with the ball, you stop him” he told me, “that’s what defenders do. You don’t give him a candy and send him on his way”. I don’t recollect giving any Sevilla player any candy, but perhaps that’s just a figure of speech. My explanation is, I think when I play, it lulls the rest of the team into a false sense of security. Let’s keep losing the ball, they think, because Geri is there to protect us all. I mean, the other day against Arsenal, the only time Cesc got to see the ball was when he tried that back-heel pass to Iniesta! But with me around, the rival players have somehow won the ball and are scampering to the net with it every second minute and it’s a perpetual state of emergency. All this panicking does not make me look cool, like how I look in those photo ops for HE by Mango. It’s bad for my image to always arrive at the scene puffing and panting when the ball is in the goal and the rival team is celebrating. And why would a fashion house call themselves Mango anyway? Oh well.

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