It’s barely two days to the Classico. On our panel today, to discuss the upcoming game, we have very illustrious guests. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Jose Mourinho and Pep Guardiola!
FcbFanDrivel: Mr. Guardiola, Mr. Mourinho, a very warm welcome to both of you. Thank you for taking the time for this panel. Your thoughts on the first of the four games coming up?
Mourinho: I’ll go first. You might have noticed that Barcelona played their game on Tuesday, and have an extra day of rest, we finished ours only on Wednesday. I’m not the one to complain (*we break into fits of coughing), but this is just something I’d like to point out. Also, the coffee is horrible. I’m sure Pep’s coffee tastes much better.
Guardiola: I have stressed to my team how important and dangerous this game is. We might have a 8 point lead in the Liga tables, but as Zubiza would say, if we lose this game, it would just be 5 points. And that is significantly lesser than 8. More than 30% in fact. That’s huge! We have to give it everything we have, to take this game lightly would be our doom. We might never be able to recover from it for the rest of our lives.
FcbFanDrivel: Oh wow, that sounds positively dreadful! Moving on…
MouMou: I am also very sure that Barcelona have more rest between the Liga game and the CDR Finals. Just pointing it out, is all.
Us: Er…no actually, that’s not really possible, both team play both games.
MouMou: Well, Valencia is closer to Barcelona than it is to Madrid. That’s how.
Us: By less than 10 kilometers!!
MouMou: There you go! (triumphantly) But it is closer!
Us: Er…okay. Sure. Like we were saying, moving on, what do you think of the Copa Del Rey finals?
MouMou: I’ll go first again. I’m sure Pep’s answer is very boring anyway. That really depends on the outcome. If we win, I’d go with “Barcelona might have won inconsequential league games, but they choke in pressure situations, the CDR finals, the CL semis against Inter etc.”. If we lose, it will probably be “CDR? Bleh! Who was even trying to win anyway?!”.
Pep: It’s a very crucial game. But we’re not thinking about it. We only think about one game at a time, it’s the only way.
MouMou (rolling eyes): Like I said, B-O-R-I-N-G.
Us: All right, there now. What do you think of Cristiano pushing Pep in the last Classico. Would he do that again?
MouMou: That depends on whether Barca tries to put five past us once more. If they go anywhere more than 3, I will not be responsible for my players. Cristiano suffers a lot anyway. Everyone is always kicking him and trying to bring him down. He is strong, and brave and never dives (we burst into fits of coughing again), unlike other supposedly good players who are less than 5’7”, wimpy and er…have a lot of unruly hair. That’s just to distinguish Leo from Xavi and Iniesta, you can add some other description as you see fit.
Us: Wears orange shoes?
MouMou: Yes that’s better. Strike out the hair part.
Us: Okay. Pep?
Us: What do you think?
Pep: About what?
Us: Oh um sorry, about the use of violence in the sport.
Pep: I don’t condone it. Pique is always bleeding as it is, and a lot of the squad is kind of injured. If there are any more injuries, we might forced to play spectators. Or Tito Vilanova. In the worst case, even Zubiza.
MouMou: Yes, Barcelona is not very used to playing with less than 11 players. Unlike me, whenever I play against Barcelona, I have only 10 players. Arsene Wenger will agree with me. Messi commits a blatant offense with messages on his undershirt, and he gets only a yellow card. Poor Ramos playfully pushes a couple of national team mates, and bang! Red! Discrimination on all fronts! This has to stop. And Queca! I am sure that sheep has supernatural powers. FC Barcelona wins every time the sheep is at the stadium. I am going to talk to RFEF to evict the sheep, but if they take no action, I am sure Madrid radio stations will do the needful.
Us: Er…okay. Thank you gentlemen, for your time. We really appreciate it.
Our usual disclaimer: This interview is about as real as interview with Barca players in English tabloids.