Journo: First of all, Mr. Zubizarreta, thank you for answering these questions. Otherwise we’d have had to make up quotes, and we’re not feeling very creative today.
Zubiza: It’s my pleasure to answer any questions related to our summer transfers.
Journo: What is your opinion on squad depth?
Zubiza: First of all, we’d like to have at least 11 first team players to field on any given day. It would be very helpful if we have a few additional players on the bench, without having to randomly select people from the stands. We are confident of ending this summer with a little more than 11 players.
Journo: But what on earth do you need 11 players for? You already have Messi, Xavi and Iniesta, and now you want more players? Grossly unfair.
Zubiza: I don’t see why it is unfair that we seek to have 11 fit players to field during the season. Our aim is to have at the very minimum 4 players for 3 positions to allow for injury and fatigue.
Journo: Bah! Injury and fatigue? What are the odds?
Zubiza: Injury and fatigue are common factors in any season. You know how February usually is.
Journo: Well, that’s just hypocritical. It’s no longer beautiful football if you buy players. You are just like the other clubs.
Zubiza: We believe in a healthy mix of homegrown talent and purchase of talented players. Why should that be hypocritical? It’s pragmatic to mix our dream of fielding 11 players from La Masia with just enough outside talent to remain competitive.
Journo: Ha! Now you’re just being annoyingly logical. In addition to being hypocritical of course. You sent Bojan away, so you clearly don’t believe in home grown players anymore.
Zubiza: But we promoted Thiago and Fontas. There’s a lot of talent coming through, but it is important not to rush things or expose youngsters to undue pressure. And Bojan will be back in a couple of years.
Journo: Next you’ll be telling us you really need Cesc and you’re not all just doing this for a lark to get under Wenger’s skin…
Zubiza: That I’m not too sure of. Xavi might indeed just be doing this for fun.
Journo: ….or your players are not agents of evil working together with referees in a secret plot to take over the world. We hear from reliable sources that Puyol has been spending time in UNICEF basements where they mass manufacture evil referees.
Zubiza: Last I heard, the Barca captain spent his day off at the zoo. Now as to why anyone over the age of nine would willingly spend a day at the zoo, I’m not entirely sure, but your reliable sources are mistaken.
Journo: Are you trying to tell us that Barca is not a threat to world peace and ceaseless nuisance to the society?
Zubiza: Er…as far as I know, we’re just trying to play good football.
Journo: Ha! That’s a lot of talk from a team that’s yet to beat Stoke City.
Next Morning Headline: FCB Sporting Director Claims Fabregas is Barca Property.
Disclaimer: This is not a real interview with Zubizarreta. Of course.