This piece was posted earlier on Barcelona Offside.
What started off as a silly rumor based on some creative journalism by a Valencia based newspaper has now turned into major speculation commented upon by journalists of the caliber of Graham Hunter, Guilem Balague and the like, and denied by Pep Guardiola, Xavi, Iniesta, Valdes and co. Balague thinks both Messi and Villa want the center position and Pep doesn’t see how it can be done unless they take turns standing on each others shoulders, and would that count as playing with ten players? (Questions! Questions!) Graham Hunter thinks no one can be a ray of sunshine when they’re not scoring, especially not super talented soulpatch sporting gelled hair wonders or flea sized extra terrestrial visitors with spaceships carefully concealed in the storm cellar. Leo Messi is surprised they would even think there’s a rift, Villa thinks it’s so worthless that it would be insulting everyone’s intelligence to even comment on it, and Xavi is philosophical about it all. “They just write whatever they want to write”. Pep’s opinion can be summarized below.
“Aww, my two little rays of sunshine wouldn’t bicker” Pep would say, except he’s already used that on Keita and Masche, and also he’d like us to believe he doesn’t get close to his players because he’s tried that before in his long managerial career of three years and has been burnt by it. Did we say ‘already’? Already. And that would be this Pep. But we deviate.
Right. So we decided to indulge in a bit of investigative journalism and spent a substantial amount of time gazing at Messi & Villa snaps on daylife, just looking for clues you know, don’t get other ideas! It was a frightfully tiring exercise, which is how things go with investigative journalism, nothing like kicking back on the couch with the laptop and gazing at pretty pictures while sipping on tea. And we did find a clue, reproduced below, which we will refer to as exhibit A from here on.
If you look at exhibit A, you will realize how a drunk procrastinating journalist desperately searching for a story very close to his deadline could easily misinterpret things. Wait, why is Villa not grinning, he probably asked himself, before writing a two page article replete with quotes from ‘inside sources’. And it’s not like Villa can’t grin when he doesn’t feel like it, we have irrevocable evidence on the same. Exhibit B below.
The good news is, we have our share of false anonymous inside sources as well, and we have it on their authority that the rift between Villa and Messi is now officially healed. It just took a series of text messages, reproduced below for your kind perusal
FC Barcelona Secret Text Message Archives
M to V: “Tough luck in the ENG game. ESP deserved to win I’m sure.”
V to M: “Tough luck in the Bolivia game too. Silly of Sabella to bench you”
M to V: “!! Sabella didn’t bench me.”
V to M:”You were playing?! Didn’t see you! Are you sure?”
M to V: “Yes.”
V to M: “Oh…er…your hair looks nice.”
M to V:”…”
Pep to M & V: “So you both reconciled yet?”
M to V: “I’m sorry I called you Offside King.”
V to M: “I’m sorry I called you a ball hog.”
M to V: “You called me a ball hog?!”
V to M:”Oh…maybe I mentioned it to Pique.”
M to V: “…”
Pep to M & V: “So, friends now? Don’t make me text you again.”
M to V: “Sorry I took Pique’s advice and hid your leopard shoes in the trash can.”
V to M: “Sorry I took Pique’s advice too and substituted your mate with sawdust.”
M to V: “Sorry I told Pique your new hairstyle is ridiculous”
V to M: “And sorry for laughing at your KFC Ad with Pique”
M to V: “Oh. Pique laughed, did he?”
V to M: “Heartily. Did he laugh when you discussed my new hairstyle?”
M to V:”He fell off the bed.”
V to M:”You are a great guy.”
M to V:”You too David.”
M & V to Pep:”We are cool. Long live Mesilla.”
Pep to M & V: “Good. Now drink your milk and go to bed.”
So that’s that. Messi and Villa are friends once more. We should be seeing more of this.
M & V text message to Pique: GRRRR…