We’re very pleased to present an exclusive (*cough* mock *cough*) interview with the inimitable Pele. Yes, the great man himself! You know him of course, all time great and all that, and some might say (Pele amongst them, loudest of all) all time greatest. And here is a picture of Neymar carrying Pele to keep you occupied while we type this up.
Okay, here we go. Ready? Fasten your seatbelts.
Us: Mr. Pele, what an honor! Thank you for taking the time to talk to us.
Pele: It’s okay. Pele likes talking. Mostly about Pele but also about some un-Pele things. Like Neymar. And Santos. Pele likes talking about Pele, Santos and Neymar in that order. Pele also…
Us:…er…yes, thank you, Mr. Pele. Do you think Neymar is your heir apparent, sir? Just like you once thought of Robinho…an honest mistake, I’m sure.
Pele: Pele thinks of no one as his heir apparent. There can only be one Pele. And that is me. Rest are okay, but not as good as Pele. That Neymar kid…he is very good. Pele knew it the day he lifted Pele with ease without injuring his back. And Pele is not very easy to lift, let me remind you. And…
Us: …Yes, but football…
Pele: Don’t keep interrupting the Pele. Let Pele finish his sentences.
Us: Sorry, of course. Please complete your thoughts on Neymar, sir.
Pele: Pele thinks Neymar is better than Mennsi.
Pele: Messi. It sounded like *Mennsi* because Pele was gritting his teeth. Pele always grits his teeth when talking about short, annoying Argentines.
Pele: Eusebio might think best player in the world is called Messi the Argentine. But he is wrong. Best player in the world is called Neymar the Brazilian. And Eusebio was never as good as Pele. Pele is the greatest of them all.
Us: Yes. Moving on…did you manage to send your video to Messi?
Pele: Yes. Unfortunately the VHS tape got returned due to unpaid postage, but steps are being taken to re-post it.
Us: What do you think of the upcoming Classico?
Pele: Barcelona is a good team. Real Madrid is also good. But both are so-so. Nothing compared to the great Santos of 1960s. Pele scored thousands of goals for great Santos.
Us: Yes. Any final words?
Pele: Sure. Pele is the greatest footballer of all time. Believe in it.
Us: Thank you!