"What do you mean, your calf is aching? Which calf? How much is it aching? Are you sure it's your calf and not your shoulders? You can still play if your shoulders are aching you know, like Alexis, bless his soul. Could it be your shoulders? Is it your shoulders? No? Still calf? This is a bad dream, right? Can you pinch me?
This doesn't seem right. I am playing with acute shoulder pain on a pitch that looks like a cross between a potato patch and ice rink in sub-zero temperature, wearing a peppermint green outfit and black gloves, and everything I score is being ruled offside, and they tell me it's easy playing for FC Barcelona.
I feel like pounding something. Or someone. Preferably Pique.
"Would Andres object to being wrapped in cotton wool between games? Should I ask him anyway? Or maybe we can stitch him a nice bubblewrap suit?"
"Yes, we're off to Germany. No, I don't have any new insight on the 10 point difference. Except it's worse than a 7 point difference. And better than a 13 point difference."
"You thought I played too many inexperienced players in the Osasuna game? Wait till you see who I'm taking along for a Champions League Knock-out Away game. Ha!!!"
"Did Zubi just tell me that there are three possible outcomes to this game - a win, a loss or a draw? Would it be too obvious if I told Zubi that he likes to state the obvious? Why am I always watching games with Zubi?"
Pique: "Not only were we born on the same day, but she got attacked by a sea lion the same day I got attacked by a bus" Pep: "Yeah? Did she have a terrible concert too on the day of the Osasuna game?"
Pique: "I think I know why I'm in the stands with Mr. Swollen Soleus"
"Calm down, people! I am not trying to leave subtle clues about an impending transfer to Inter with my scarf!"
"I feel unnaturally tall"
"Not as unnaturally tall as Reinartz must be feeling though"
"Didn't I just give my shirt to this dude 45 minutes back?"
"Tito is back!"
"Keita is back!"
Ibi Afellay is also getting there slowly yet surely!
"Nope. Puffy coat isn't my way of telling you I'm going to Arsenal next year either."