Alexis Sanchez recently mentioned that he is learning a lot from his team mates, playing for a team like FC Barcelona. This obviously got us thinking. What could Alexis possibly be learning? Forgive our skepticism, but every time we think of Alexis’s teammates, we think of this.
And then we become very concerned about the content of his learning. We pray, for instance, that it has nothing to do with “101 ways to make an ass of yourself on twitter”. Or becoming a serial napper cum former-team jinx agent. But not to worry, we do have a (wink wink) exclusive on what he was talking about (Yeah right!). Here you go. You can thank us later.
What Ibi Afellay told me: Chut da bol to Valdes. DA BOL to Valdes. Chut.
What Pique told me:
(1) When you get off the car, it’s usually a good idea to close the door. Especially if there’s a possibility that a bus could ram into it.
(2) Do not, I repeat, DO NOT mention Christmas trees in any social networking platform. Whatsoever.
(3) If you ever play as center back (and believe me, with Pep around, that’s not so far fetched), don’t worry. Just do whatever Puyol is doing and you’re safe.
(4) Ooooooh. Moc moc.
What Puyol told me:
(1) Don’t listen to Pique. Ever.
(2) You should join twitter. It’s fun. You can post pictures of Javi Pobla eating too if you like.
What Villa told me:
(1) Sometimes, on the field, you have to make tough decisions. Like emo hair and being onside, or spiky hair and being offside.
(2) Oh, and no offside jokes in my presence. I’m sick of them. Really.
What Busi told me:
(1) No peek-a-boo jokes either. They are so not funny.
(2) You know when Pep told you “someone should mark Busi when we’re defending corners?” He didn’t really mean it. Okay I might’ve scored an own goal or two. And almost given away a penalty kick or two. And knocked a ball or two right in the path of a rival player. But I don’t think he really meant it. Wait…did he?
What Xavi told me:
(1) It is our moral duty to fight anti-football.
(2) In the end, football justice shall prevail. The superior team will win a lot of shiny pots.
(3) Never let a yellow card get in the way of telling a referee what you really feel.
What Masche told me:
(1) But don’t get particularly chatty after a yellow card though, especially in the tunnel. Red cards aren’t funny. Especially if you have to explain them later to your coach.
(2) Be confident in your goal-scoring abilities. MascheGol will happen. Believe.
What Messi told me:
(2) Just because you never get penalty kicks in your favor, don’t assume the referee is not really watching you. They can spot handballs allright.
What Iniesta told me:
(1) As founding member of Post Match Pant-less Photo Society, you know where to come if you want one such photo of yours preserved for posterity.
(2) Don’t forget to turn translucent before you walk through defenders. It hurts otherwise.
What Dani told me:
(1) Practice sessions are tough. There’s maximum competition for the Powerade cooler. Be sure to get there first.
(2) “Aim for the sky” Pep always tells me. I try to follow his advice while taking free kicks.
What Cesc told me:
(1) When in doubt…just sleep it off.
(2) Don’t joke with Pep in the middle of a game. Unless you enjoy being shaken by the neck.
What Pep told me:
P.S: We did warn you. This post is filed under Nonsense for a reason.