So we decided to use this international break to conduct a Ballon d’Or RoundTable with some of the candidates because…well, why not? Yeah it is *cough* completely made up *cough* of course but we didn’t have anything better to do with our time, and it’s better than scouting for random goal celebration videos and spinning a story to go with it! Moreover, with Spain national team flying to Panama for a mid-week international friendly and Argentina national team flying to Riyadh for another mid-week friendly, it keeps our minds off the dreaded I-word anyway (image via @BarcaMorocco). So here goes!
Us: Welcome all of you, and thanks for participating in this RoundTable! First question, who would you vote for to win the Ballon d’Or?
Casillas: Um…Ramos? *Everyone looks at Iker*
Casillas: Well, he did take a crucial penalty for Spain in the Euros despite being the first football player to land a ball on the moon.
Ronaldo: *walking down the memory lane* How was I to know there would be no fifth penalty?
Messi: *walking down the memory lane* Can we please not talk about penalties?
Us: Here’s a video of Neymar’s latest penalty kick to make you all feel better. (via @101greatgoals)
Iniesta: Can we just talk about ice cream instead?
Ronaldo: Or we could talk about what my coach refers to as “equal distribution of Ballon d’Ors”. Like if anyone were to, just giving a totally random example here, win three in a row, they would be disqualified for the fourth.
Xavi: As the Guardian of Footballing Justice in sector 2814, I’d have to object to that!
Casillas: But what about goal keepers? Or what about midfielders who get selected in the top 3 four times in a row? Or world cup winning goal scorers?
Ronaldo: And what about other rich, handsome and great footballers that we may know of? Don’t they deserve a second golden ball if they’ve already won one before?
Iniesta: Maybe we should talk about wine.
Messi: How is Bodega Iniesta coming along?
Iniesta: Very well. What about your collaboration with Bodega Valentin Bianchi?
Messi: That’s coming along well too. Did you hide that
Ugly Torso UEFA award from Valeria like I suggested? Anto once ran into it by accident in my trophy cabinet and it took her days to recover.
Iniesta: Yes I did! But we did find a use for it. We spring it on Valeria by surprise, and it startles her out of her hiccups. Every. Single. Time.
Xavi: What is this roundtable?!
Casillas: Maybe you’d be more passionate in making an argument for Ballon d’Or if it were shaped like a giant golden mushroom instead.
Xavi: Maybe we should have a Ballon d’Or for every position, like Dani says.
Casillas: That’s a start.
Ronaldo: Well, that doesn’t really help. I think we should do away with the voting, because it’s also perception based.
Xavi: We should pick names out of a hat instead?
Messi: Or those tiny footballs from a glass cup like they do for Champions League draw!
Iniesta: Or a magical goblet!
Ronaldo: Or a game of televised musical chairs and last man standing gets eliminated after every round.
Casillas: Aren’t you very good at musical chairs?
Ronaldo: Yes I am. I always win against my girlfriend. Maybe I should let her win a bit now and then, but I’m very competitive. And also because too much humility is vanity, as we say in Portugal.
Iniesta: You do?
Ronaldo: Why else do you think my coach calls himself “The Only Special One”?
Iniesta: He does?
Xavi: Ahem. The type of football we play should also be taken into account.
Iniesta: There are different styles. And that’ what makes this a wonderful sport.
Messi: You promised Tito!
Iniesta: Maybe we should talk about shoes!