Hello, I am Geri Pique. This is an article I’ve been asked to write (just like they ask Cruyff sometimes!) proposing strategies to deal with the current crisis. And I am very concerned. Very concerned indeed. Our defender situation, as you might have observed, is rather dire. Puyi’s gone off and had knee surgery, Alba has torn a muscle and Adriano is…well, Adriano, so he’s injured. That leaves just Masche, Dani and me. With Dani pretending he is Neymar, and Masche off to play in Bolivia at some insane altitude with the aid of hyperbaric chambers, it’s no wonder that my Barca teammates have been following me around with cushions all day. As MD sums up the situation so well…
It’s been a tough couple of months as it is. Starting with VV’s decision to leave. He says he wants to explore other cultures, but I suspect he just misses playing uninterrupted sudoku, without rival players constantly running at the goal unchecked every other minute. We tried to convince him to stay, but let’s just say our almost record setting concession streak didn’t help. And then it was Hlebruary and you all know how that can be. And now we’ve barely recovered from the after-effects, turns out the Football Gods have unleashed the defender injury curse. Yet again.
It’s clear what we have to do here. We could ask President Rosell to buy a CB, but he does get confused so easily and we don’t want to end up with another DM. It’s like the time when we thought we were having Qatar Foundation on our shirts, and then it turned out to be Qatar Airways leaving Turkish Airlines frothing at the mouth (and it’s easy enough to get confused as they both start with Qatar). So here are some steps we need to take to counter the situation.
(1) Masche and I need to be completely in sync. Completely.
(2) Someone needs to temporarily take over from Alba and give Leo an approving hug and kiss after every goal, be it from Leo or otherwise. I volunteer.
(3) Avoid bleeding from the head when winning headers. Remember the one time when I had a concussion on the field and thought Pep Guardiola was my dad? To be avoided.
(4) Whatever happens, just keep the ball.
5. Clear communication is a must. No misunderstandings whatsoever.
(6) Distract the rival team by scoring a lot of goals. A LOT of goals.
If we meticulously implement my six thoughts above, we should be able to tide over this crisis. You’re all welcome. So that’s it from me for now. Visca Barca!
Disclaimer: This is not really an article by Geri Pique, obviously. Helpfully filed under Nonsense.