The Aftermath of a Clasico

Can there ever be too much of a good thing? You bet! The Clasico might be the sport’s grandest spectacle played out between the two best teams in the world, riveting to watch, hypertension inducing, possibly a cure for the ever growing world population by threatening to take out one small subset at a time, still a lot of us are positively sick of it. We don’t want more Clasicos. Like ever again. The vitriol and venom spewed in the aftermath of a Clasico can be a pain in the wrongest place for the longest time. Heck, we are still talking about the deluge of Clasicos that rained down on the unsuspecting public last April and left the world tottering on the brink of implosion and collapse before it was miraculously saved. Is 2012 the end of civilization as we know it? If Barca and RM end up meeting over two legs in the Champions League, I for one am not betting against it.

The polls are still coming out on yesterday’s Clasico. Was Real Madrid better? Or was Barca ‘superior’? Who was the moral victor? Was the referee an evil UNICEF secret agent out to get Real Madrid? Or was he intimidated by the thought of meeting Mourinho all alone near his car and explaining why he sent off three of his players? Was this Mourinho’s team? Or the team suggested by the Spaniards maybe? Or perhaps by the Jorge Mendes clique? Is there really a Hamstring curse on Barcelona players? With Andres and Alexis out, is it the darned alphabetical order starting all over again? Oh, it’s the February Jinx is it not?! Is Pepe becoming a Serial Stomper? Is RM catching up? Is Barca becoming complacent? What came first, the chicken or the egg? Is there life in outer space?

Or so it goes. Surely it’s ridiculous that more time is spent the next day discussing which team was wronged more the by referee rather than the quality of the game or the goals? Or that the lasting image from the game is not a sublime piece of play but of Pepe sarcastically applauding the referee before walking out of the pitch? (Yes, Pepe of all people!) So there. That’s why we hate Clasicos, not for the 90 minutes of play, but for the nonsense that transpires without fail before and after. And considering we don’t have one in the near future (meaning in the next 10 days at least), here’s our chance to stop talking about the Madrid camp. See – they’re united, Ramos and Casillas even got Mourinho a birthday cake and MouMou actually blew out the candles instead of rubbing their faces in it! See – we’re through to the semi-finals after surviving yet another two legged Clasico series with limbs intact and no bite marks. It’s all good. All’s well that ends well. Or something like that.

So, now for some peace and quiet finally then? And let’s spend our spare time praying to the Football Gods to spare us yet another CL meeting.

The International Break Week: A Not So Quick Roundup

I have a lot of footballs. Now if only I had a few players...

This is our post on Barcelona TheOffside. Click here to read the full post.

As yet another international break comes to a close and the players start trickling back to Barcelona from their various international commitments, now is good time to take stock of the happenings from the past week.

• Ibi Afellay had surgery done on 3rd October to repair his totally ruptured cruciate ligament. The operation lasted 50 minutes and Afellay is expected to be able to come back in six months. Get well soon, Ibi – we will pray for a speedy recovery and your return to full strength. In the meantime, feel free to re-watch Ibi’s spectacular assist in *that* Real Madrid game last season.

• Talking of Real Madrid, Sport claims Real Madrid wants Tevez (no doubt because he supposedly responded to Mancini’s substitution plans with “Porque?”, revealing a deeply curious and inquisitive nature that would sit well with their current coach). Before you giggle at the thought of Tevez at Real Madrid, Sport also claims FC Barcelona wants Szczesny.

• Pique shaved off his beard, to general consternation. Shocking at first, but the look tends to grow on you. Okay we agree that’s not much of news. Especially because it’s almost already grown back.

Puyol: Are you crazy, Geri? Just look at yourself on television for heaven's sake!

• Messi gives an interview in which he urges Argentina to “end the cycle of failures”, thereby momentarily confounding his critics who have been urging him to do the same thing. A neat trick.
• Messi is accompanied by Guardian Angel Juanjo Brau as usual on trip to Argentina. Mascherano is scheduled to depart a day later as he is suspended for the first World Cup qualifier anyway owing his red card in Copa America. On arriving at the airport, Messi finds the rest of the country’s journo population waiting for him there.
• Villa retires early from ESP training session and there is some talk of “discomfort” and “hamstring” triggering widespread chaos amongst Barca fans. Later it is ascertained that he is fine really and we have not run out of players to make the starting XI. It’s all good, there’s no need for human sacrifices yet to appease the Football Gods. Besides, we don’t have Jeffren anyway.
• Mourinho gets a two match ban if and when they play the next Spanish Super Cup for the Tito Vilanova eye poke saga. Vilanova gets a one match ban too just to keep him from feeling left out. And also for getting his eye poked by rival team manager. Mourinho claims he acted ‘naturally’ to provocation. Real Madrid appeals the ban. Maxwell says Vilanova is an excellent chap. The Tito Vilanova eye poke saga continues.
• Cristiano Ronaldo claims that Real Madrid will beat Barca this year.  Just like he did last year. And the year before that. The Barca fan base heaves a collective sigh of relief after administration of the usual jinx.
• UEFA fines Barca 110,000 Euros for Barca fans lighting flares during UEFA super cup. That’s one more year of black and white photocopies then.
• Guillem Balague and Graham Hunter discuss possible causes for Barca’s injuries. Is it the inadequate preseason? Is it the high intensity games already in the first month? Could it be the butler, in the study, with the candlestick?
• Spain wins against Czech Republic 2 – 0, with goals from Juan Mata (Xavi assist) and Xabi Alonso. Not that it matters because they have already qualified for the Euros. But still it helps to keep their win record intact.  Pique, Busi and Xavi start, and Puyol is subbed in in the second half, while Villa plays for 30 minutes too. Clearly Del Bosque does not believe in resting key players for games where nothing is at stake. He would have gotten along really well with Leo Messi.
• Only Captain Messi starts for Argentina against Chile, for a resounding 4-1 victory under new coach Sabella. Messi manages an assist to Higuain (who scored a hattrick) and a goal, and the understanding between Messi, Di Maria and Higuain looks very promising.
• Puyol gives an interview to El Mundo Deportivo.
• Guardiola speaks to Fernando Truebo about the future which, as we’ve already established, he can glimpse using his psionic powers. We are not sure if Truebo has psionic powers too, or if he was as nonplussed as we are by Pep statements such as “Thinking about leaving my job every day keeps me motivated”. You can watch them here and here (subtitles by Doris from TotalBarca)
• Sport claims Santos President wants Maradona and Pele to play in the Club World Cup –> Pele for Santos and Maradona for Barcelona. Just so we can all see Maradona, Pele, Messi and Neymar in the same field. Maybe Cristiano Ronaldo can be the referee. A rich, handsome and great referee who only abnormal fans wouldn’t want to see refereeing.
• Bojan gives an interview too where he alternates between Guardiola Fan Boy and Ibrahimovic Alter Ego. He was probably infected when Ibra taught him those two words of Italian.
• Villa gives an interview to El Pais.
• Spain wins against Scotland. Of course. The Davids score a lot of goals and eight Barca players play for Spain. Xavi is subbed out in the second half, and again there were murmurings of “discomfort”, but hold off on the sacrifices still. Xavi trained normally on return to Barcelona so we can all breath easily now.
• Argentina plays (if you can call it that) against Venezuela and loses 1-0. Messi and Mascherano play for the full 90 minutes, and again the commentators speak of Masche playing with injured ankle. He was seen wincing frequently, but we doubt if that had anything to do with his injured ankle. We missed half the game ourselves because we were busy rolling our eyes.
• Abidal plays for France, supposedly through discomfort, but all is well as he trained normally on return to Barcelona today.
• It has been established that Messi and Bojan are fourth cousins, and their great great grandfathers were brothers. So the gravity impaired DNA must have come from Bojan’s great great grandmother’s side then. Elementary. Still, our bad, we should have guessed from those teddy bear pics all those years ago.

Real Sociedad 2 – 2 Barca : The Day in Pictures

Xavi: Oh I hate scoring! Now I'm going to be in the middle of a group hug again, darn it!

Pedro: Cesc, don't look now, but you're walking on air!!

Sanchez injured. Hope to have you back as soon as possible!

No hurry on the freekick, let's stand around and chat for a while!

Still standing around. There's a second half?! You mean we can't go home and sleep already?

Look VV, a one handed save just like you! Am I a good CB now?? Come on, admit it!

Maybe I should just focus on being offside and not try long passes to Valdes.

No, Cadamuro, I prefer baggy shirts. Would you let go please?

People dive every day, I do it once a year and bang! Yellow card.

Maybe if I pretend like I'm grinning, no one will mention my performance today...

Hey Leo! Cesc! We need a third goal, get on it!

You mean we're playing in an actual game where we lose points and stuff? Why didn't anyone tell me?!

Well too late now. But we should all just remember to turn up for the next game.

A Peek Into Future: Tomorrow’s Sport.es Website

Barca Unofficial Transfer Press Release for Today

Sport: Three hospitals around Camp Nou have all been alerted to be ready for medical checkups for certain signings next week. It is believed that Barcelona will sign three players on July 2nd – Sanchez, Rossi and … Rooney! Ferguson is willing to let Rooney go in a straight exchange for Jeffren, Zubiza is flying tomorrow to convince Jeffren to join Manchester United (but Jeffren is still reluctant). Fabregas will be signed only on July3rd owing to ongoing negotiations with Arsenal (Wenger wants current Barca B team in exchange). Sanchez will be skipping Copa America to sign for Barcelona and to take a tour of the city. Rossi is just very happy.

Pozzo: We will not consider letting Sanchez go for anything less than 40M. He is greater than Cristiano Ronaldo was at the same age, and you have to remember how much Real Madrid signed Ronaldo for. My asking price of 45M is nothing in comparison. If Barcelona wait till next year, Sanchez will be worth 90M, so why not just pay 50M and get him this year instead? I mean, they paid an exhorbitant amount for Ibra, 55M for Sanchez is nothing. I hope we can finalize the deal with Barcelona for 60M today.

Pastorello (Rossi’s Agent): It now appears highly unlikely Barcelona will sign Rossi. They have not contacted us in five weeks now. I left six voice messages yesterday, but no reply. No not to Barcelona, to Rossi. If they want Sanchez, fine, but whatever Sanchez can do, Rossi can also do. In addition, Rossi can also get chased by bulls and drop mobile phones into hot soup, which I very much doubt Sanchez can do. Barcelona must weigh their decisions. I am not running the club, but if I were Rosell (which I’m thankfully not), I know who I will sign.

Felicevich (Sanchez agent): “The deal is close to being done” said the elephant with a butterfly up its trunk.

Pele: Barcelona should just sign me. Even at this age, I can score more goals than Messi can for them. I also give interesting press conferences in addition. Have you ever listened to Messi speak? Bleh.

 

Our Not-So-News Roundup For The Day

• “We’d like to sign Messi, Xavi, Iniesta, Cristiano Ronaldo and Cesc Fabregas” joked Mancini in a press conference a few days back. He unfortunately forgot to add “This is a joke, by the way”. Owing to the small ensuing misunderstanding, we are told Manchester City owners have already started the bidding process for the above mentioned players.
• “We’d like to sign Cesc Fabregas” Pep is rumored to have told his inner circle, and no, this one wasn’t really meant as a joke. But we are told Rosell had a hearty laugh over it anyway. Our transfer budget this summer will be limited to 10M Euros and Xavi’s cat.
• “AC Milan joins Barca in Fabregas Transfer Battle” says CrunchSports. The more the merrier, we say. “I will fight to keep Fabregas” says Wenger, and couples it with some emotional blackmail thrown in.  “A player, who changes his club every time he is frustrated or when he doesn’t win a trophy, goes nowhere”.  He might as well have channeled Doc Hudson and added “What’s a trophy anyway? It’s just an empty cup!”.
• “Will Barca Win the Liga Next Year?” questions an article, even as Bojan is still struggling to get over his hangover from celebrating this year’s Liga win. It’s a good thing they didn’t ask Pep though. “I have told the players this might be their last Champion League Final” he revealed in today’s press conference. And then people wonder why some of our players look unhappy sometimes. It’s a minor miracle they aren’t all being treated for clinical depression.
• “I have the Barca Colors inside me” says Marc Marquez, Moto2 bike rider. The red is understandable, but blue?! Someone ought to consult a doctor just to be sure.
• “Messi gained 3.3M FB fans this week, Ronaldo ‘only’ 416K” says the Independent, in what we assume to be a particularly slow news day. But we are sure goal.com will not let themselves be outdone so eaily like this. We fully expect a headline from them that goes “A detailed investigation into Messi’s and Cristiano’s wardrobe reveals Cristiano might own more pairs of jeans than the Barca player”
• Sir Alex Ferguson thinks twitter is a waste of time and is considering a ban, according to ESPN. He will also follow this up with a ban on his players wearing anything blue because he really REALLY cannot stand the color.

Real Madrid Appeal to UEFA about Messi Emergency Door Incident

It all started off after that champions league first leg. You know, the one that FC Barcelona won and Real Madrid lost, and produced such an epic soliloquy from Mourinho starting and ending with “por que” that it could have made Hamlet jealous. Ever since, UEFA has been besieged by appeals from Real Madrid against everything Barca, starting from the coach, captain to the head cook. It is rumored that hardly a day has passed since without RM filing a fresh appeal or re-opening a rejected appeal, or appealing against a Barca appeal, so much so that we hear UEFA is in a recruiting spree to handle the sudden demand. Here are the details on the latest appeal filed by Real Madrid against FC Barcelona’s Leo Messi.

Video evidence of Messi apparently trying to dismantle the emergency door during flight.

• “Football comes second” said Karanka, “This is a question of morality. Messi was clearly seen trying to crash the flight, and yet no action was taken by UEFA. We’d like to appeal to UEFA against Messi and also about a possible UEFA conspiracy”. Mourinho is still in his self-imposed press ban, but was seen wandering about muttering “por que?” to himself.
• Following Karanka’s statement, Real Madrid has filed two separate appeals against Messi and against UEFA, one on Thursday and another on Friday (owing to a new policy of not filing more than one appeal per day).
• UEFA rejected the appeal against Messi on Friday, mainly because they have no jurisdiction over a player celebrating on a flight after a Liga game. They have suggested appealing to RFEF instead. RM’s appeal against UEFA has been received and will be processed on Monday.
• RM reopened the dismissed appeal (against Messi) immediately on Friday after receiving the rejection (they have no policy against an appeal and a re-appeal on the same day). They will also send a separate copy of the appeal to RFEF on Monday (as their lawyers don’t work during weekends).
• “Just look at the video” Xabi Alonso told the press. It is rumored that Xabi has been this way ever since he found out that everyone who voted for him in last year’s Ballon d’Or meant to vote for Xavi instead.
• A UEFA disciplinary inspector has requested the Control and Disciplinary Committee to sanction Messi. Interesting,  this is the same official who started the disciplinary hearing against Iniesta after the Shakhtar game and Busquets for the Marcelo incident.
• RM has included photographic evidence in the re-appeal, as revealed below. Please note the Leo Messi is seen covering his mouth when in conversation with Xavi, clearly indicating nefarious intent.

"I have an evil plan!"

• After the disciplinary hearing was announced, RM has now denied any involvement with the incident, but has blamed poor handling by FC Barcelona for the current state of affairs. “We did not appeal against Messi” RM has now confirmed, “We merely sent UEFA a few videos and photos. UEFA is acting entirely on its own”.
• “I hope they don’t ban Messi” said Barcelona VP Bartomeu, “He was not trying to crash the plane, but just having some fun”. Bartomeu’s statement has since been construed to mean he supports terrorism.
• AENA has received an anonymous appeal against FC Barcelona player, Leo Messi, with video evidence of Messi banging on the emergency door. They have, however, indicated their lack of jurisdiction to ban any football player from playing next season as the reason to dismiss the appeal.

We will keep you posted with updates, as always.

Note:

We’d like to point out that the above post was not to make a racism charge look silly. We honestly believe in Busquets, until proven otherwise. If Busi says he said “mucho morro”, then that’s what he said. We believe in our players, in the integrity of our coach and that of the club. Of course racism is nothing to be trivialized with (come on, that goes without saying) hence this issue was not mentioned in this blog till we heard Busquet’s side of things. If ever it’s proven otherwise, we’ll pull this out.

We saw a lot of the mainstream media, blogs and public opinion condemning Busquets without waiting to hear his side of things. We see nothing wrong with standing up for our player and condeming Real Madrid’s appeal after hearing his side of things. Till then, as we see it, Real Madird has appealed to UEFA about Sergio Busquets saying “mucho morro” to one of their players. And that’s laughable.

Barca – Osasuna 2-0 : The Day in Pictures

Barca Starting XI: VV(Captain), Alves,Masche,Milito,Adriano,Busi,Keita,Thiago,Jeffren,Villa,Afellay

Maybe if I keep staring at Pep like I'm going to burn a hole through the back of his head, he'll sub me in...

Aaaaaah! I hope Pep was serious when he told us to guard the balll with our lives!

A Villa goal!! Not offside, didn't hit the goal post! Incredible!!

Puyol: Maybe I should've brought Malena along instead of Bojan. Are these two going to kiss after every goal? Good God, I hope we don't score a manita.

Javier "You shall not pass!" Masche-minator in action!

See?! I told you it would work if we kept staring at Pep!

Pep: More defense injuries?! Preserve whatever we have left of our defense in bubble wrap before it's too late!

When the boss told us to get dolls and pins, I don't think he meant Milito & Maxwell.

Messi has scored only 50 goals (& counting) this season! Barcelona is in a crisis!

Our center backs for the next game?

 

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions! FC Barcelona vs Arsenal

Beware of the Macho Man!!

You know there is an important match coming up when the media goes ballistic with the silly headlines. “Barcelona Could be in a Messi” says one, the clever writer no doubt very proud of his ability to come up with puns already done to death over the years. Though I suppose you’re just asking for it with a family name like that. “He’ll Get Five Goals, No Messing!!” screams The Sun, twisting poor Masche’s words out of context. “We’ve become more macho” says Nasri, sending fans into fits of hysterical giggling. “If we win against Barcelona, we can win the championship” says Wilshere. “”I don’t expect Barça to fail. They win when they’re playing good, and when they’re not, strange things happen.” says Mourinho.Wait, what?! What’s that even supposed to mean? What strange things? Oh, that’s from Crazy Mou, never mind.

Fake interviews, ridiculous headlines and silly hype – it’s like FCB Fan Drivel on steroids! So Arsenal is missing a few attackers and FC Barcelona is missing a few defenders, and it should be an evenly matched game. Captain Puyol, who has suddenly taken to quoting Plato on twitter and is still recovering from his injury, will no doubt be there in the stands chewing his finger tips and making us all very nervous. We suppose Pique will be sitting next to him throwing sunflower seeds on unsuspecting victims, forced to sit out this one for collecting yellow cards like candies on Halloween. We find ourselves two center backs too short, the thin squad idea coming back to bite us in the behind. Gabi could fill in. Or maybe not. We are huge fans of Gabi, bless him, but not particularly of his defending skills. Maybe Jeffren can play as center back too?

Decisions, Decision, Decisions!! Well, only one really. Maxwell or Adriano?

We think Pep will play Busi as CB and Masche as DM (that way we have someone filling the role and keep Masche as far away from our penalty area as humanely possible).  The rest of the players (Valdes, Alves, Abidal, Xavi, Iniesta, Messi, Villa and Pedro) are usually on auto-select, so we expect no surprises there, not even from Pep on pain medication. The only variability will come from whether he plays Maxwell or Adriano – the similarity being they are both Brazilian and have had uneven form of late, the difference being Maxwell has better hair really. Adriano is definitely faster and is a better attacking option, while Maxwell, we are told, is better at defensive duties, so there, pick and choose. So all that’s left is to pray to the Gods of football to not pull any silly tricks, keep our fingers crossed and try to avoid a myocardial infarction till after the game tomorrow. Visca Barca, as always!

Pique visits Dani Alves to make up

You all know about the fight between Gerard Pique, FC Barcelona central defender, and Dani Alves, the Brazilian right-back, that happened during that game. You know, the one that, according to the Madrid press, has split the team into three camps – the Pique camp, the Dani camp, and the rest of the players. We have confirmation that the two have now made up and all is right with the world again. Pique reportedly spent Sunday evening studying the pictorial works of Dani Alves in Dani’s basement. “I liked the one of the hen” Pique is rumored to have said, “I have never seen a more self-composed hen before”. On being pressed, Pique also admitted that he loved the scenery depicted in one of the other happy pictures. We have the paintings, exclusively, just for you!

The self-composed Hen

Bright and Happy!

Correction: We have been subsequently informed that Pique was studying the pictorial works of Dali and not Dani. We don’t know who he is talking about.