Seven Reasons To Be Confident For The Week Ahead

The only good thing about playing Chelsea-Real Madrid-Chelsea in a week is that at least it’s not Real Madrid-Real Madrid-Real Madrid in a week, thank heavens and UEFA draw. A tough stretch of games always requires fan support and optimism to counter all the dreadfully pessimistic facts Pep is no doubt going to lay on us during the pressers ahead (“It’s impossible to win the Liga unless all the planets align and there are bats sightings during the day” “We haven’t won against Chelsea in like…ages”). Well, not to worry, here are some reasons from us as to why we should be confident for the panic-attacks inducing week ahead.

(1) First of all, be aware we have Cesc. If all else fails, he will unleash his Football Gods Appeasing Dance to turn the tide in our favor, even if the opposition goal keeper is left emotionally scarred for life. A missed free kick or two later, goals will flow like water (Barca goals that is). Do not fear.

Cesc's antics made us giggle. We are pleased. Grant them a goal.

Hay Liga? Maybe, Maybe Not

11th February 2012. A seemingly Liga-deciding loss against Osasuna that resulted in a 10 point difference to La Liga table leaders Real Madrid. “Barca threw away the League in 45 unrecognizable minutes” lamented the covers of Sport and EMD, which is a little mild given their fondness for hyperbole. “It’s a conspiracy!” pointed out some cules, just as a few of us convinced ourselves that Pep Guardiola was deliberately throwing away La Liga so that he can concentrate on winning back-to-back Champions League titles. You know, because, having won 13 out of the last 16 possible tournaments, he might have suddenly forgotten how to multi-task. “It’s Shakira!” cried some others, there were also the “It’s Cesc with his Hamstring Curse and Trophy Jinx!” believers, not to mention the “Xavi should shut up about superior football, it’s bad juju” brigade. Oh, and we almost forgot the “Pep’s experiments are ruining the team” cliques.

 

Believe in the team! Oops, sorry. Wrong pic.

 

Pep Guardiola: “We started the year with the obligation of winning the six titles. We have to live with this obligation. (Now that Liga seems out of reach), it seems that unless we win the Champions League, this season would be a failure. The Champions League is a major challenge, it is tremendous. We couldn’t have won the things we have the last four years if we’d been throwing titles away. That shows we care for every title we fight for. We do not think there is a game or a competition more important than another, but I am not one to convince people we haven’t thrown La Liga away. I made the decisions that I think are the best for the team.”

 

Yet Another Post in Celebration of Messi

Translation: He's really REALLY good!

It’s getting really difficult with this guy. If professional journalists are running out of superlatives, what do you expect from us mere bloggers? We’d go with “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” but we already used that one up when he scored 5 goals in a CL knockout game. And now he’s gone ahead and broken one more record with most number of official goals for FC Barcelona at the ridiculous age of 24. Short of videotaping our collective faces when Messi consistently makes the miracle look mundane and vice-versa every three days (and we’d NEVER do that to you, dear readers), we can’t think of much else to do.

Exclusive! What Alexis Sanchez Learnt From His Teammates!

This is our post on Barcelona Offside

Alexis Sanchez recently mentioned that he is learning a lot from his team mates, playing for a team like FC Barcelona. This obviously got us thinking. What could Alexis possibly be learning? Forgive our skepticism, but every time we think of Alexis’s teammates, we think of this.

And then we become very concerned about the content of his learning. We pray, for instance, that it has nothing to do with “101 ways to make an ass of yourself on twitter”. Or becoming a serial napper cum former-team jinx agent. But not to worry, we do have a (wink wink) exclusive on what he was talking about (Yeah right!). Here you go. You can thank us later.

Seventeen Barca Happenings Last Week – News in Pictures

"What do you mean, your calf is aching? Which calf? How much is it aching? Are you sure it's your calf and not your shoulders? You can still play if your shoulders are aching you know, like Alexis, bless his soul. Could it be your shoulders? Is it your shoulders? No? Still calf? This is a bad dream, right? Can you pinch me?

The Aftermath of a Clasico

Can there ever be too much of a good thing? You bet! The Clasico might be the sport’s grandest spectacle played out between the two best teams in the world, riveting to watch, hypertension inducing, possibly a cure for the ever growing world population by threatening to take out one small subset at a time, still a lot of us are positively sick of it. We don’t want more Clasicos. Like ever again. The vitriol and venom spewed in the aftermath of a Clasico can be a pain in the wrongest place for the longest time. Heck, we are still talking about the deluge of Clasicos that rained down on the unsuspecting public last April and left the world tottering on the brink of implosion and collapse before it was miraculously saved. Is 2012 the end of civilization as we know it? If Barca and RM end up meeting over two legs in the Champions League, I for one am not betting against it.

The polls are still coming out on yesterday’s Clasico. Was Real Madrid better? Or was Barca ‘superior’? Who was the moral victor? Was the referee an evil UNICEF secret agent out to get Real Madrid? Or was he intimidated by the thought of meeting Mourinho all alone near his car and explaining why he sent off three of his players? Was this Mourinho’s team? Or the team suggested by the Spaniards maybe? Or perhaps by the Jorge Mendes clique? Is there really a Hamstring curse on Barcelona players? With Andres and Alexis out, is it the darned alphabetical order starting all over again? Oh, it’s the February Jinx is it not?! Is Pepe becoming a Serial Stomper? Is RM catching up? Is Barca becoming complacent? What came first, the chicken or the egg? Is there life in outer space?

Or so it goes. Surely it’s ridiculous that more time is spent the next day discussing which team was wronged more the by referee rather than the quality of the game or the goals? Or that the lasting image from the game is not a sublime piece of play but of Pepe sarcastically applauding the referee before walking out of the pitch? (Yes, Pepe of all people!) So there. That’s why we hate Clasicos, not for the 90 minutes of play, but for the nonsense that transpires without fail before and after. And considering we don’t have one in the near future (meaning in the next 10 days at least), here’s our chance to stop talking about the Madrid camp. See – they’re united, Ramos and Casillas even got Mourinho a birthday cake and MouMou actually blew out the candles instead of rubbing their faces in it! See – we’re through to the semi-finals after surviving yet another two legged Clasico series with limbs intact and no bite marks. It’s all good. All’s well that ends well. Or something like that.

So, now for some peace and quiet finally then? And let’s spend our spare time praying to the Football Gods to spare us yet another CL meeting.

Barca Training Session Leak!

Just so you know, Real Madrid is not the only team capable of having dressing room leaks. Whatever Real Madrid can do, Barca can do too. Except apparently winning penalty kicks. Or trampling upon rival players. Or pulling their hair. Or throwing toys out of the crib. Yeah okay, you get the general idea. So coming back to the issue of dressing room leaks, we proudly present a leak from FC Barcelona dressing room, made up in its entirety at FCB Fan Drivel headquarters. Any chances of Marca publishing it, do you think?

Pep to Pique: “You are killing me with all that goodness in that FIFA interview, Geri. Now I feel like I’ll never be able to live up to all your hype., …like I should sit down and explain tactics to you all day just to feel good about myself!”

Pique: “I said more things about you, mister! About how you can read minds and use advanced skills to control them, but those b****rds at FIFA edited it out.”

Pep: “Oh…er…well, that’s good. Besides I’ve not perfected it. I’ve been trying for a long time to get Leo to say “I just want to sit on the bench and watch this game”. Nope, still not working.

Xavi: “You both talking about Leo behind his back, eh?”

Pep: “What were you doing warming up during the game yesterday, Xavi?”

Xavi: “I thought I’d give JDS some company. Besides, I was feeling cold on the bench.”

Pep: “Who made you Tito Vilanova, eh? Unless he shows you a big paper with nicely drawn stick figures, you’re not supposed to leave the bench. Or do you want your eyes poked on Wednesday by MouMou?”

Xavi: “Wednesday is my birthday! I hope you foresee a victory, mister! It would suck not to be superior to Real Madrid on my birthday.

Pique:”Talking of Wednesday, I think you should start Puyol and Masche at the back. And deploy me as the center forward. I have been studying some videos, and I think I know how to get us a lot of penalty kicks!”

Pep: “What?! I just hypnotized you last Tuesday! Man, this is wearing off too early…and Rosell keeps troubling me to extend for another year! Now repeat after me…”I am a center back. I am not a forward”….

Mourinho’s New Pictorial Notes on Messi

Well, not really. But I bet we’re close!

Disclaimer: These are not really Mourinho’s notes. Far from it. I doubt if Mourinho’s little notebook that he keeps scribbling into has such pretty pictures documented so well. Some of the pictures are taken from Sport.es, and one from twitter which was from tumblr (and marked as such). This has been appropriately filed under “Nonsense”, so don’t bother informing us of the same.

 

This is our post on Barcelona Offside.

Cristiano Gets Back at Crowd Mocking

Next time you start the Messi chants, I'll do this at you!

Cristiano Ronaldo doesn’t care if the football crowd has been a little harsh on him of late what with the Messi chants and the sudden stick he’s been getting from his home crowd. Yes, because he’s secure in the knowledge that there’s one person who loves him more than anyone else in the world. Erm no…, not his mom. That would be Cristiano Ronaldo himself. The man who has faced much persecution around the globe for being rich, handsome and great shows his philosophical side in an interview. “I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking” he says. (via @ArgentinaFW . Okay no not really but you get the drift) See?! Not all really, really, ridiculously good looking people are shallow, let that be a lesson to us all! “I’m lucky, I have good genes” he admits modestly, just in case you thought he created himself in a laboratory.

“To do magnificent things on the field is vital, but it’s also good to have a good image off it, and that’s what I try to do” But how Cristiano? We’ve seen you do ‘magnificent things on the field’, but pray can you tell us more about what you do off it? No, we’d rather not hear the details about you and Irina Shayk, thanks. “I can open the wardrobe in the morning and look for an hour before I decide what to wear”. Deep! So that’s for all of you Cristiano haters who think he’s just obsessed with how he looks! Now you know better! Thanks to @ArgentinaFW for all the quotes.

Exclusive! Inside Information on Effects of VV’s Decision

VV’s refusal to renew his Barca contract and decision to exercise his human rights to choose where he’d ply his trade next has made him the scapegoat this Hlebruary season. He has been accused of disturbing the finely tuned equilibrium in the dressing room that makes Barca players go out there on the pitch and perform like they usually do. And he has also been accused of announcing his non-renewal too early. “He should have waited till end of the season, and then we could have accused him of prolonging negotiations for money” complains the Catalan media. Not to mention, there might be proof that he is indirectly responsible for global warming.  That’s not all of it. “When Pique’s equilibrium is shattered, he can’t help picking up fatheaded yellow cards” says an inside source.